Its December 14th. And you know what that means! Just around the corner is Old Man Winter… that frigid, puppy freezing pedophile. When you’re a kid, winter’s great! School cancellations, hot chocolate and playing in the snow. But then you get older you realize that work is NEVER cancelled, hot chocolate is only good with booze that you CAN’T buy because you’re snowed in and the only people who bundle up and hide in snow forts are the homeless! I know what you’re sayin’ “Hey Shortbus, what about Christmas?” Christmas sucks. No, I’m not slamming Jesus, I’m just saying it sucks that I have to spend all MY money on buying presents for people I don’t even like! “Hey, thanks for knocking up my sister. Here’s a prize.” The whole concept doesn’t make any sense to me! “Here you go, sweety. What better way to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior than with a copy of Grand Theft Auto 4. Now go kill some hookers.” And then there’s the Christmas Carols: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…” how damn poor was Bing Crosby if he was eating Chestnuts for dinner? “Jack Frost nipping at your nose.” What kind of a man lets somebody named Jack nibble on his nose and then writes a love song about it? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then there’s Dean Martin’s lovely ode to date rape “Baby it’s cold outside:”
“I really can’t stay.”
“Baby it’s cold outside.”
“I really need to go.”
“Baby it’s cold outside.”
“My mother will start to worry.”
“Well just have one more drink.”
“Why is it fizzy?”
“Drink it on down.”
“I’m startin’ to get woozy.”
“Let me help you with your top.”
“Why are you filming this?”
“Shhh… don’t talk just shut your mouth.”
Then there’s the “Holiday” parties and “Holiday” TV shows and “Holiday” movies, because lord knows everyone will be offended if you mention the name of the person you’re celebrating!!! It’s Christmas dammit! Say it! I would be less offended if you threw “A very special celebration of the life and work of Charlie Manson” than an pansy ambiguous ‘Let’s not offend anybody” non-denominational “Holiday Party”….because at least I know what the hell we’re celebrating! “But hey Shortbus, at least you get off work for Christmas.” Not if you work at the video store you don’t! “Listen I know that you guys have families and friends, but crappy overpriced movies are just more important. What if somebody wants a copy of ‘My Cousin Vinny?’ Listen, we need to keep this store open so it can lose money every day of the year.” “But hey, Shortbus, at least you get holiday pay, right? Time and a half?” Or that’s right. I forgot! Time and a half! That way I can make 8 DOLLARS AN HOUR!!!!!
I guess what I’m trying to say is Winter sucks. And it if on Christmas night three ghosts of my past present and future try to visit me to convince me otherwise, I’m pretty sure one will die of hypothermia, the second one will get distracted renting “King Ralph at the video store and the third will be date-raped by Dean Martin at a non-denominational holiday party for it gets to me, so I don’t have anything to worry about. Bahumbug. And that’s what Shortbus thinks.
Filed under: What Shortbus Thinks
You’ll have to forgive me this morning if I stumble through a few words on today’s show, because over the past few months I’ve found myself increasingly more and more parched. You see, it seems as though I’m the last person left on the planet who hasn’t wet his whistle with the Jonestown-approved cool aid of a pint sized rapper known as Lil Wayne.
Lil Wayne, or “Lil Weezy” as his fans, friends and parole offices call him, shot to fame in 2004 when the American public purchased 1 million copies of his first album, Tha Carter. This may seem impressive, but considering this is the same year that the country re-elected George W. Bush and decided that Larry the Cable guy’s subtle innuendos were brilliant enough to warrant both a film and television career, let’s just assume the whole country was suffering from an Iraqi-invasion induced binge drinking hangover, and our judgement was not quite on target.
At least that’s what I did, ignoring the Louisiana emcee who boasted that year that he was quote “The greatest rapper alive.” Which may seem like a dignified title, but after considering that accolade is on par with being the “healthiest guy in Aushiwits” it’s not really all that remarkable.
After a year or so of hypnotizing the youth of America with such lyrics as “I’m a Millionare, I’m a young money cash money, fast money, slow money, mo’ money millionare,” Lil Wayne disappeared from the public eye. And just when I thought that the tear-dropped tattooed, cough syrup swilling wordsmith had vanished for good, like any bad cancer that goes into remission, Lil Weezy returned last year with “Tha Carter III.” Only this time, something truly remarkable happened. And by remarkable I mean something as gutwrenchingly bad as being shot point blank in the junk with an elephant gun and writhing in agony while your paralyzed body is unable to change the station from a 24 hour Emo Phillips guest spot on the Bob and Tom show.
Everybody and their “cash money” grandmothers LOVED Lil Wayne. But not in the same type of “be nice to Timmy because he’s slow” way that we embraced William Hung. NO! People started hailing “Weezy” as a 21st century Edgar Allen Poe! I mean, and with lyrics like “This Robot can move. And it’s say, haha yeah.” How can ya not, right? WRONG!!! I feel like I’m in an episode of the Twilight Zone! But instead of it lasting 24 minutes and learning a lesson in the end, I have to endure 3 years of this idiot getting showered with praise by Rolling Stone, Blender, and the National Academy of Arts and Sciences! What? The National Academy of Arts and Sciences? That’s right!!!! The same man who once rapped “Haha yea boy that’s my girl, and she pops excellent up in Wayne’s World” recently walked away with no less than 3 grammies!!!! 3!!! I could record a record of Paris Hilton and Bobcat Goldthwait debating the environmental ramifications of nuclear research and it would be more intellectually intriguing than Lil Wayne!!!
I beg of you America, please put down the cool aid! Just because a rapper ~SHOCK~ uses metaphors it doesn’t mean they’re good metaphors. I’ll prove it to you: Manlove, gimme a beat.
Yo, I be mad like Christian Bale,
Tried to ignore Lil Wayne to no avail,
Yo, Lil’ Wayne is appealing like a obese tranny,
This rant is over, now gimme a grammy.
And THAT’S what shortbus thinks.
Filed under: What Shortbus Thinks
Gee gosh, here’s a self-designated classic from last February!
As we all know, there are a few universal truths in life. You die, you pay taxes and morbid obesity is funny. However, I’ve noticed a trend lately that hasn’t been all that funny, like morbid obesity. No, it’s been sick and disgusting… just like being plain old fat.
I’m talking about fat people riding department store scooters. You know what I’m talking about. Those convenient little four wheeled contraptions with a wire rack on one end and the sting of shame on the other. Everybody knows they were invented for two reasons: so disabled people could shop for melons and intoxicated college students could race around the electronics section. And that was fine. But just like how people had to go messing with the Reese’s peanut butter cup (…Elvis!) leave it to the H.R. Puffenstuffs of the world to screw up the scooter carts for everybody.
Now it seems like I can’t walk through those wonderful automatic doors without seeing Ma and Pa Buttersworth breaking a sweat giving Mr. Scooter all she’s got, Scotty. Last week I was staring at a scooter being ridden by one these escaped Macy’s Day Parade floats and I swear I saw a single tear trickle down it.
This ridiculousness of this unabashed laziness is only matched by these peoples’ nerve to get offended when I stare at them. I’m sorry, but if while you’re hogging a scooter from people who ACTUALLY need it you stand up just so you can reach the jumbo box of moon pies on the top shelf and then sit back down, I’m going to stare at you like a P.T. Barnum sideshow act.
And that’s the part that infuriates me like one of these people realizing their Piggly Wiggly coupon book has been stolen: THEY DON’T NEED THESE SCOOTERS! It’s like a self fulfilling proFATcy. These people don’t think they need to walk because they’re too fat. So they sit down while they buy their Star Crunch cakes, and in the process… GET FATTER! Listen guys, I may not be Dave Thomas, Col. Sanders, or even “the Big Boy” here, but just hear me out. Walkin’ ain’t that hard. Sure, it may not be as fun as suckin’ back a delicious Ashland Kentucky Smashburger, or diving face-first into a Triple Hoburger with an egg on it… mmm… sorry, but it’s got its got its perks! Like letting the bearded lady in Home and Garden be the spectacle of the store, and not you.
So next time you waddle your way through those automatic voodoo powered doors… you tell me how they work… keep your chins up, looking for falling prices, and not to the left… searching for your instrument or sloth destruction. And after take those 5 steps past that scooter and wipe the sweat from your brow, you’ll feel good. …Or have a massive heart attack. I don’t know.
Filed under: What Shortbus Thinks
Here’s a “What Shortbus Thinks” from January of last year. Enjoy!
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Last week I considered unleashing a verbal tirade on a film so incredibly idiotic, it could have no doubt won a gold medal in the cinematic special Olympics. A film whose attempts at comedy were so low brow and generic, it made Larry the Cable Guy look like Johnny Carson by comparison. Cooler heads prevailed, however, and I decided that devoting my energy to such an abomination of modern cinema would have proven to be a total waste of my time. I mean, how many people were really going plunk down 10 dollars to see Meet the Spartans? Well, apparently I should have been a tard farmer, because it looks like they’ve had a good season. 18.5 million dollars is how much money Meet the Spartans made last weekend. 18.5 million dollars! Do you know how many football helmets and coloring books these people could have bought if they just would have saved their money!? I should have sensed something was up when, last week at work, an overabundance of rednecks waddled their way into the movie store with a honey bun in one hand and a copy of 300 in the other. What was their three-toothed reasoning for such a corky-approved purchase? “I can’t wait to see ‘Meet the Spartans’! (Ha! Ha! Ha!) …..Got any meth?” This “film,” and I’m making the air quotes, here, is a “comedy” (air quotes again) that leaves no cliche untouched. Sanjaya? That flash in the pan of homosexual mediocrity? They got him! You Got Served? That four year old film that South Park lampooned 3 seasons ago? They Zinged It! Britney Spears? That untapped comedic resource that nobody’s thought about making fun of yet! You guessed it! They got her, too! Okay, okay. So they parody outdated pop culture cliches that VH1′s best week ever ran into the ground years ago. I mean, at least the jokes themselves are fresh and funny, right? I mean, never mind the material, that can be a little dated as long as the joke is a winner! And it’s gotta be to make to the silver screen right? And it is. These characters appear out of nowhere and… THEY KICK THEM IN A FREAKI’N HOLE! That’s it! That’s the extent of the joke! There’s not even a setup to a hole! It’s like a cigarrete without the sex! It’s like a beer without the buzz! It’s like like a punchline where, instead of being punched, you’re lightly caressed by a limp-wristed frenchmen! From every review I’ve read and preview I’ve had to suffer through, much like a Manlove bit, I’ve gathered that every joke isn’t even in the context of the story. In other words it’s like to watching an episode Family Guy… while being sexually assaulted by Magic Johnson. But hey, don’t take my word for it. Take it from movie critic Josh Levin who said: “This was the worst movie I’ve ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a ‘movie’ and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film.” Or Critic Joe Leydin who called it “Lazy, lame and painfully unfunny.” Or Aaron Hillis from rotten tomatoes who simply said… “I moving to Europe.” |
