Filed under: Uncategorized
Every year without fail, like a particularly punctual case of Herpes, there’s a cancer in this country that returns to devour the minds and souls of my friends and family. Like any hard-working S.T.D. it has no cure, its inescapable, and the only way to survive is to look away and hold your breath like Twitch’s wife when she’s forced to make love to him, and wait for it to go away. I, of course, am talking about the vile sickness that is football.
For generations, men throughout the country have scratched their stupidly painted heads wondering why the rest of the world doesn’t enjoy this sport whose 4 hour games consist of 2 minutes of excitement and 3 hours and 58 minutes of waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
They can’t seem to comprehend why other countries don’t understand the game whose own rules are so convoluted that decades long fans still don’t know what the hell some of the rulings mean!
“Well, John, it looks like we’ve got a half-back double safety touch pass on the third down quarter out!”
“Wow, Rich, amazing that all those rules apply to a game where… everybody’s just kinda standing there.”
So you can imagine my joy when I heard the news of a possible NFL lockout! No longer would I hear about FOOTBALL on the radio while I drove by FOOTBALL fans wearing their FOOTBALL jerseys on the way home to play their fantasy FOOTBALL while watching ESPN’s coverage of FOOTBALL as I ducked calls from friends who invited me to watch the FOOTBALL game after they tossed the FOOTBALL in the front yard discussing who would win the upcoming FOOTBALL game as I shoved a FOOTBALL in my brain to escape FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL!!!!!
Then, earlier this week, my hopes dreams and sanity were shattered into a thousand Rawlings sponsored pieces when I heard the lockout was over. I (laugh) mean laugh) sure, I understand the players need to make even more money living their dreams, shooting up clubs and working ten times a year. After all, Rothlisburger’s roofies aren’t going to buy themselves!, and I was happy their precious little egos and been stroked enough to DO THEIR DAMN JOBS, but really? So quickly? Hockey had a lockout. Baseball had a lockout. And those sports are just as popular as ever!
But I guess I’m a dreamer.
“Imagine there’s no football/
It’s easy if you try
No games on Sunday
No blimps in the sky
You might say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope some day you’ll join us
Or I’ll make Ben Rothlisburger force you to against your will
And THAT’s what shortbus thinks!
