Its December 14th. And you know what that means! Just around the corner is Old Man Winter… that frigid, puppy freezing pedophile. When you’re a kid, winter’s great! School cancellations, hot chocolate and playing in the snow. But then you get older you realize that work is NEVER cancelled, hot chocolate is only good with booze that you CAN’T buy because you’re snowed in and the only people who bundle up and hide in snow forts are the homeless! I know what you’re sayin’ “Hey Shortbus, what about Christmas?” Christmas sucks. No, I’m not slamming Jesus, I’m just saying it sucks that I have to spend all MY money on buying presents for people I don’t even like! “Hey, thanks for knocking up my sister. Here’s a prize.” The whole concept doesn’t make any sense to me! “Here you go, sweety. What better way to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior than with a copy of Grand Theft Auto 4. Now go kill some hookers.” And then there’s the Christmas Carols: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…” how damn poor was Bing Crosby if he was eating Chestnuts for dinner? “Jack Frost nipping at your nose.” What kind of a man lets somebody named Jack nibble on his nose and then writes a love song about it? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then there’s Dean Martin’s lovely ode to date rape “Baby it’s cold outside:”
“I really can’t stay.”
“Baby it’s cold outside.”
“I really need to go.”
“Baby it’s cold outside.”
“My mother will start to worry.”
“Well just have one more drink.”
“Why is it fizzy?”
“Drink it on down.”
“I’m startin’ to get woozy.”
“Let me help you with your top.”
“Why are you filming this?”
“Shhh… don’t talk just shut your mouth.”
Then there’s the “Holiday” parties and “Holiday” TV shows and “Holiday” movies, because lord knows everyone will be offended if you mention the name of the person you’re celebrating!!! It’s Christmas dammit! Say it! I would be less offended if you threw “A very special celebration of the life and work of Charlie Manson” than an pansy ambiguous ‘Let’s not offend anybody” non-denominational “Holiday Party”….because at least I know what the hell we’re celebrating! “But hey Shortbus, at least you get off work for Christmas.” Not if you work at the video store you don’t! “Listen I know that you guys have families and friends, but crappy overpriced movies are just more important. What if somebody wants a copy of ‘My Cousin Vinny?’ Listen, we need to keep this store open so it can lose money every day of the year.” “But hey, Shortbus, at least you get holiday pay, right? Time and a half?” Or that’s right. I forgot! Time and a half! That way I can make 8 DOLLARS AN HOUR!!!!!
I guess what I’m trying to say is Winter sucks. And it if on Christmas night three ghosts of my past present and future try to visit me to convince me otherwise, I’m pretty sure one will die of hypothermia, the second one will get distracted renting “King Ralph at the video store and the third will be date-raped by Dean Martin at a non-denominational holiday party for it gets to me, so I don’t have anything to worry about. Bahumbug. And that’s what Shortbus thinks.
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